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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Not about weight loss or the band....just about heart felt hurts and hang ups!!

So this bolg has nothing to do with weight loss and the journey....other then I am letting my stress about the situation and my disapointment win the weightloss battle...Not that any of you can really do anything for me as far as the situation goes either, but I need to get it off my chest and out there so I can continue on in a positive manner....I apologize for making this blog personally based, I understand if you wish not to read....

My oldest daughter Graduates from High School on Thursday.  Though I should be very proud of her and happy for this life accomplishment, I am not.  I am not sad that she is getting older, and I am not sad that she is leaving in August for college.  What I am disapointed about is how horrible this year has gone, how much grief she has caused her father and I, how much stress I have taken on concerning her and how frustrated that I feel like such a bad mother.  I am actually a little jealous of her biological mom, (daughter #1 and hubby were a packaged deal, I have had her since she was 2, bio mom has had very little contact with her)....Her Biological mom is so excited for her, so happy that she is graduating going to college and taking life's steps.  She hasn't been on this past years journey however, and I am really batteling being happy for this child of mine who is being celebrated for being an entitled spoiled brat!  We have pulled teeth with her since last June to get her work done, to go to school, to ease off on the boys, to not behave in such a manner that would suggest she thinks so little of herself that she would compromise on some of the decisions she would make concerning her behavior with boys, friends, and school.  That is not how we raised her, and she is worth so much more.   She ditched most of her classes all Fall.  She had to make them up and had her dad and I not been so active she would not be going to college, to which I think, why did we enable her so to get accepted?  If she can't get her butt out of bed to go to school a mile down the road, why would we trust she will when she is 14 hours away, living on campus and costing us thousands of dollars???  I am so torn.  I want to be happy for her, but I am having a difficult time getting over the grief we have endured this past year.  I want to be excited for her to go to college and start her journey as an adult, but I am more excited that reality is about to slap her in the face and she is going to fall on her butt...I am also very excited to get her out of my house!!  How horrible is that.  How horrible is it to want your child to be out.  How horrible is it to want her to feel the pain of reality and all of the horrible things it has to offer?  I really feel like a terrible mother, but these are my honest feelings.  I am so very angry, hurt, disapointed and done with this girl.  I don't want to put out the money to have a Graduation party for her, but the other part of me tells myself, you need to let her live life.  You need to celebrate her successes, even when they are not her success so she knows how to be successful when she is out there in the real world.  Part of me says, it is a right of passage, and no matter how I feel, she needs to know we support her, love her and will be there for her even when we don't like her.   Isn't that our job as her parent's?  And then I go to where is the line between enableing and giving into the entitlement and tough love drawn?  I really wish I knew the answer to all of this.  I know it would help not only my spirit, but my phsycological well being and my weight loss journey...well lets just get rid of the "loss" word and say weight journey!!  I had a really good heart to heart with Hubby the other  night on how, I am jealous of Bio Mom, how I really wish I was excited and happy to join in this wonderful mile stone.  How I wish and hope I am not bringing everyone down because of my utter disgust for the actions of this child over the past year.  How, I know we need to send out her announcements, we need to give her a party, we need to be happy for her, but how I am not.  I am not at all.  How do I separate my disapointment from my duty as a loving parent and get over it?  Get over what she has done, what she has put us through, her constant lieing that is still going on even now, this very night?  Has she really ever stopped lieing to us? Has she ever stopped sneaking?  Is anything that she does or says have any honesty in it?  How do I get over my feelings of rewarding her for lies, pain, conflict and selfishness?  How do I not cause the same feelings for her?  I am happy Bio Mom has been a neutral sounding board for her and an advocate for her because God knows, I have not wanted to be an advocate for her as of late.  And I appreciate Bio mom's excitment for her, cause this mom, the one who has raised her from the time she was 2 is not very excited at all.

So there is my very honest, heart felt, hard core struggle...so sorry it has little to do with our band...

8 comments:

  1. Of course it is OK to have a personally related blog, this is your blog after all, and life doesn´t just revolve around losing weight although it might feel like that sometimes. I feel for you, as a parent I understand the emotions you describe. It is not wrong to feel like that, you can only handle so much of that kind of behaviour before it leaves a mark. My mother was at wits end concerning my youngest brother because he like your daughter (from what you write) acted like a spoiled brat and she felt like she was rewarding him for bad behaviour but felt she had no other choice. Then he went to school in another part of the country where he got a huge kick in the ass (ended up being thrown out of school for bad attendance) and it has been good for him because now he is behaving like a very well raised man, working and attending school and being accountable for his own life (still lives with mum now but that is working out so well after his experience living away from home). I hope that is what happens to you girl. Also I would think that Bio mom would not be so happy for her daughter had she had to deal with what you had to.

    Hope things work out well, and dont put any extra pressure on you regarding the weight while you are dealing with this. Sorry bout the extra long comment

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  2. have you had this conversation with her? There is not much you can do parenting wise for her..she is grown. But I wouldn't be investing in college the first year..I would make her earn her right at a community college ...working as well to try to keep her out of trouble. I also wouldn't throw a big party, if you don't want to and think she hasn't earned it. But I don't know it all so I am sure you will work thru this..don't take it out on you though..hopefully you are taking care of yourself and eating right? ((hugs)) and good luck!

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  3. my sweet friend, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. After reading this, my personal opinion is that you ARE being a GREAT parent by questioning her and not wanting to allow her to feel entitled. You WANT her to be an upstanding citizen who is honest and works hard, that's what a parent SHOULD want. It's sad that her bio-mom thinks its more important to be BFFs than to guide her on a a path to being a responsible adult.

    Hold your head up high and straighten that backbone up. You ARE right in wanting more for her. Sometimes the real world slapping us right in the face is what we all need. It's not mean to think that...that's you knowing what she needs. And I think it shows how much you do love and care for her.

    Being out in the real world is best for her. She does need to be responsible for bills and living expenses. It's not being mean, it's just reality.

    Say lots of prayers, ask God to help you forgive her and guide you on how to deal with her. It's ok to forgive her for acting like a monster, but forgiving her doesn't mean you have to stop parenting her. You'll still have to push her and force her to make responsible choices or face the consequences.

    Meanwhile, keep your head up and don't dog yourself for having these feelings. You are a wonderful, caring and beautiful person. I admire you for being such a good mama... and one day, after she's had a few let downs in life, she'll realize that too.

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  4. I don't have any words of advice but I feel like I could have written some of this about my teenaged daughter! ((hugs)) I do not feel like you are wrong for feeling that way at all.

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