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Monday, February 27, 2012

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Well Happy Monday to everyone!!!  I had an epiphany today as I was reading blogs...Not one I am proud of but one none the less....

So Friday, I went out to lunch.  It was Friday just wanted to get a way from all of my Freshman, collect myself and be alone.  Love those kids, but there are days when I must quote Dirty Dancing; "this is my dance space, this is yours, I don't go into yours, you don't come into mine!!!"   I knew I was going to order a veggie burger protein style not problem....Get there and order the combo why not, I can save the ice-T for later and fries don't really tempt me so no biggie....As I am waiting to order I say to myself, maybe I will just order the onion rings instead...I will only have like 2-3 not biggie and I have been doing so well!!!  So I order the oinon rings...I eat about 8 with ranch dressing!!!  OMG!!!  Later that night I tell Hubby I have to go to the gym, don't care what time, but I have to go I had onion rings at lunch....I don't know what I was thinking, I was onoly going to have 2-3,  I had way more I have to go work out.  I have to drink water and get rid of all of the salt....He razed me about he onion rings all weekend!!!  Today I am reading and my epiphany!!!....I rewarded myself with FOOD!!!  Not even goog food...terrible food!!!!  Here we are 3 days later and I just figure this out!!!!  Lesson learned, stick with fries they don't tempt you at all and never change the paln, stick with the original plan that way you won't kick yourself all weekend!!!! 

Moving on to a funny story....Saturday morning I got up early because Fridays workout was not enough for those darn onion rings, and I knew our day was busy so I went for my 3 mile walk around our complex.  I have my clicker in one pocket so I can get in the gates, and my phone in the other pant pocket so I can listen to music as I walk.   I get outside the complex onto the main road, and start to feel my phone is on my lower-mid thigh area.  Why is my phone so low??  I have been pre-occupied with my music so I was paying no mind.   I look down and my pants have fallen down!!!  They are my fav, comfy, work out pants but the added weight from the clicker on one side and my phone on the other, along with the waistband that has been stretched out and the tie that has been missing for years, and the 30 pounds that no longer holds them on all worked together and gravity was taking over.  I was walking and mooning everyone!!!!  My undies were nude color so it really looked like I was mooning people.... I was so embarassed!!!   Thankfull it was early and not to many people say my wardrobe malfunction but for the remaining 2 miles, I had to constantly pull up my pants....Gave me a good arm work-out if nothing else!!!  The entire time I kept saying Damn onion rings, damn onion rings, should have stuck to the fries!!!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Pictures.....The Ugly REAL Truth

Hope you are all having a nice Thursday.   So far so good here and only one class left for the day 4th period, (we have a block schedule 1, 2, lunch, prep, 4) so I am at lunch and prep until 4th period then I am out!!! 

So last night I got to thinking about before and after pictures.   I did not take any!! On purpose!!  I know some of you are gasping!!  It is ok, I don't want to remember what I looked like!  I know... it is embedded in my head and I can't get rid of it.... well that is what I tell everyone!!  But it is honest time on this journey and so I need to be honest with myself!!!  I don't have any because I don't want to see what I look like, I don't want to see the reality of what I have done, how I have let myself go and what has happened to my body.  I looked at these pictures last night, knowing I was going to post some and just wanted to cry.   I can't dwell on it long, or look at them long, because I just want to cry.  The reality is an ugly truth and I don't like the ugly mirror, I would rather live in my happy place....where I really am not THAT big, overwieght yes, but not THAT big...

I will admit as well I am terrible with pictures.  First off, I am usually the one behind the camera.  You know, if I take the picture, I don't have to be in the picture.  Plus with digital camera's these days, if  I don't like the picture, or the picture makes me look too fat (well a more honest statement would be, fatter then I want to be admit to myself) I would delete it!!  In the trash the nasty picture went never to be seen again.   As I went through our pictures last night another reality hit me....sadly, I have deleted just about every picture of me you could think of.   If I didn't delete it, I made my husband stand in front of me, or had some other object in front of me to hide part of my body (not that much was hidden, but it made me feel better).   I am also the queen of cropping.   I will crop the picture up so all you can see is my upper body and face, or shoulders and face....but if the chin was looking too doubled or trippled , then I deleted it.   So I am ready to take another healing step on this journey, admit that my kids have very few pictures of me, I have participated in their lives but if you were to look at pictures of our adventures, I am absent!!  How sad.  I have deleted myself out of family memories, mile stones and moments.   Not anymore people!    And though I don't have an specific "before" picture I do have "before" pictures....This is very hard to post these.   Not that I am a vain person, but it is just a visual turth I have known, but "thought" I was hiding.   They are like my big dirty secret (in my head only) for all to see....So here you go friends....

 Thanksgiving 2 years ago with Hubby..a rare non-blocked photo

Chistmas 10' famiy photo...the one that went out was cropped up to just over the girls knees.  No big booty for everyone to see!!!

Number 1's Homecoming last fall...Hubby is hiding my other thigh!! Well at least it looks like he is, he wasn't I just cropped it out!!!

Philly Oct 8, 2011...One week before my LapBand consultation...My friend was told waist up only!!

Excuse the expression!!! This was my 4th day of pre-op diet, also Christmas morning, very early thus the I am tierd please leave me alone look...did not know anyone took this, and I did not delete this because I knew I was on my pre-op diet...

Got a new haricut on Jan 30, 2012...down about 22-23 pounds in this picture...

No 1's Winter Formal Dance a couple of weeks ago...down about 28 pounds here...

Well I have done it....I not only posted "real visuals" of my morbidly obese body, I also posted pictures to my bolg!!!  Yay to both, I have to be honest and I have to to you all!!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

A little behind the learning curve here!!

Hello All, I am attempting to become more "blog savy" and "techy trained"...I feel so behind the 8 ball with all of you and your computer know how....I am a teacher and being at the bottom of the learning curve here is driving me crazy!!!  So I am attempting to tweak my blog...let me just say this has been a headache and stressful!! Geez!!!  I have ruined my home page at least 30x today and at this point, I am going to live with what is there. I am trying to self teach how to add pics and quotes...the first attempt was an epic fail and thus reason the 30x strike out began!!!  So try to enjoy my playtime here as I try to spruce up and bring a little bling to my page!!!  Happy Hump day to you all!!!

“Nothing tastes as good as feeling thin feels.” ~Unknown

Monday, February 20, 2012

Goals and dreams and whishes to Mae a reality!!

Happy day off (thank you Mr. President) for those of you who had the day off!! I quilted (my new found passed time and addiction seen as food did such loveliness to my butt, though quilting does just as much damage to my wallet!!) then I went to the gym. I started thinkin about dreams, goals, desires. I found mysel so excited about "ONEderland", I know I will get there and I imagine myself there... It brought a smile to my face seen as I thought that reality was gone. I thought about my last little list of goals... Keep up the work outs... Lose 30 by week 6 check up (not quite by Sat. But on Sunday I was there!!!;)) I need new ones now so here you go my blogging buddies my next short list of goals, dreams and wishes to make a reality!!

1. It has been years since I have worn a dress because I felt like it not because the went required me to... I told Hubby, this year I want to wear a dress Easter Sunday Service... I hate my knees so it will need to be a lo ger dress or skirt but I am doing!!! By that my comp. Will be back up at home (use my phone and work one) and I can upload pics to share!!

2. I am sticking to it and it may again be a little far fetched but I am putting it out there... By my 6 mos. Post-op date July 6th I want to be down 60 pounds... I have 4.5 months to lose 29 more pounds so It may be close and tight and I may be a couple pounds shy again but I am posting the dream and wish as I make it a reality!!

3. I want to get a personal trainer for at least 5 weeks to get me on a good work out program. Hubby has been out of a real job for almost 3 years. Temp jobs are nice but not always reliable, how we are going to pY for this I don't know, but I will letgod work out that detail!!

4. I have not yet found a target outfit... You know a goal outfit you will look sassy and sexy and fabulous in!!! I need to get one!!!

5. By my sons birthday March 22 I want to be out of the 290's and below 285 with at least a new top (lots of pants that are almost new in my closet in various sizes... Good there if money does not permit) to wear to his birthday dinner. This year we are taking him to one of those dinners and live shows like Mideavil Times, but I think we are going to do the pirate one instead... I hate to spend all that money on a ticket for a ton of food I will be bringing home, but I am so excited to see his reaction... We are surprising him and his sisters and he is going to be 9 so it is right up his alley!!! I am so excited I can't wait!!!

Ok I think 5 long and short term goals, dreams and wishes are good for now... Hope you all have a great week!!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

My First Fill!!

Hello all happy Saturday!! I had my first fill today!! 3cc plus the one that was in from surgery so I have 4cc's...not to bad, very interesting sensation for sure but not painful. I told the Dr. I felt a lot sensation by my belly button port is about 6 inches below my right breast no were near my belly button... He said there were a lot of nerves in the area that is why. So he found my port, pulled out some air and then in with the saline!! Very quick and easy!! I go back in 2 weeks for 3cc more.

On a differant note I think I may have found the culprit as to why I lost nothing last week and in fact gained... I went from 297.1 last Sat. To 299.1 on Mon. With no change in my daily food just increase in work outs...I was bummed that Sat was my fill and literally until yesterday all week long the scale read 299.1!!! Uggg!!! So I looked at my carb count.. Good.... Looked at calories and food choices...good...looked atthe crystal light box to check out the sodium!!!! BINGO!!!! There is 35 mg of sodium in 8 oz of crystal light lemonade... I have been living on crystal light lemonade for drinking purposes... Not water, not tea, all day tons and tons of crystal light over 84 oz a day!!! Holy Crap!!! With that much sodium why did I not pay attention to that??? I might as well been drinking diet coke with all that sodium (no worries I have had not soda in over 8 weeks)!!! Sowed when I realized this I started right away with water to flush it all out.. Gallons of water the past 2 days!!! So today I fo for 6 week post-op check up and first fill and scale read.....296.1!!!!! Woo hoo!!! I did not make my desired 30 pounds by 6 weeks post but I will take 29!!!

Lesson learned... Crystal Light Lemonade is NO substitute for WATER!!! Hope the rest of your weekend is fabulous!!!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Well tomorrow marks 6 weeks banded and on Sat. I get my first fill!! I think I am ready, yesterday I felt like a bottomless pit!!! I controlled the inner pitmaster but every once in a while there are days when I just can't seem to feel full!!

Now I have to be honest, I am happy, excited, overjoyed and so very very disappointed all at the same time... I am so happy I did this. What a fabulous life change this has been for me so far. I am excited to continue on this journey, discover new ways to live life healthy and become the me on the outside I know I am on the inside. I am overjoyed to share all of this with such fantastic supporters, encouragers and new friends such as yourselves. I am disappointed however with he scale. Maybe I unrealistically idealized the process, but at this point I thought I would be farther along by now... Maybe I am being unrealistic? I honestly thought by my 6 week mark plus my 2 week pre-op I would be down 30 pounds...was wishing it would be closer to 40... I am not!!:/ I am down 27-28 (so close, but so far, scale keeps teetering and I have lost zero this week... In fact I have gained!!! How I don't know, the only change was an increase in work out. Food calories and choices have stayed the same, wafer/crystal light lemonade increased slightly. Portions the same. TOM has been over for a week and a half now so no worries there. But the scale and I seem to be working against each other this week... Very bummed seen as Sat I go weigh in and was really really looking forward to a 30+ weight loss... Such is life...

On the positive side the inches are melting away!! In fact I wish the pounds were melting as quickly as the inches. I know I am doing what I need to be doing and I know my body is very comfortable at tipping the 300 pound mark it lived there for many years, but it is time to move on... Well down from here!!! I realize the regulation of all of this is going to take time to balance, just a little to fixated on a number I guess!!

Tomorrow is a new day right!! Maybe tomorrow is the morning my body decides to let go!! Here is to hoping!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Heart's Day...xoxox

Happy Heart's Day to all of you Lovely Ladies!!! YOU have added joy, friendhsip, and cyber hugs to my Valentines day this year!!!...No matter what stage of the journey we are in, we are in it together and I am so comforted and blessed to get to know more and more of you wonderful women out there who relate, understand, sympathize and celebrate all of the straight aways, detours, hills, mountains, curves and surprising corners this journey has us on....Cheers Ladies, may your day be filled with with joy, happieness and extra HEART'S...xoxoxox

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Sink or Swim Sweetie...

The realities of life tested me today.   We were out of everything…Hubby had a Bball game and said when he got home we would go to Costco…I had my protein shake for breakfast as I always do, and when Hubby got home at 11 we went to Costco.  Here is where reality kicked me in the booty!!!

On a regular day, I will wake up at 5:30 get ready for work, and be to work 7-7:10, school starts at 7:20, by the time second period starts at 9:00 I drink my protein shake (this seems to be the best time for me as far as the rest of the day goes), after second period it is lunch.  10:23 is far too early for lunch, and to close to my protein shake, I have prep after lunch so I don’t have another class until 12:30.   I have usually been eating lunch about 11:45-noon.  Today, I had my shake early…big boo boo, because I know before 9:00 messes things up.   

So now it is 11:20ish and we are at Costco my tummy is hungry and samples are everywhere.   Now in all honesty, I know I cannot have all of the samples, 1. Lunch time is when I get home…2.  I can’t track samples…3.  Not all of the samples are very healthy….I am happy to report, I did not go sample crazy…I did have a couple of things, of which I took a small taste of and handed the rest over to Hubby.  I was pretty proud of myself.  I felt like Pooh Bear, “I don’t want to eat it; I just want to taste it!!”  Unfortunately by the time we were done with Costco it was 12:45 and we have to get home, unpack, and get ready to leave our house for buddy boy’s soccer play-off game by 1:15 at the latest.   I get home, and have no time to cook anything…What am I going to do?  I am leaving, I am hungry, I need to have protein and pizza is not the kind of protein I need.   I do eat some melted cheese from the pizza and then open up a Greek yogurt and head out the door.  

Lunch failure avoided, but really just a Greek yogurt is usually something I would not eat alone for lunch…worked in the pinch…Home from the game by 4:30 and off to the hospital.  My co-worker had her baby yesterday so Hubby and I went to visit…Have not even thought of food, not hungry, no tummy growling…geez, I haven’t had time today!!!  We leave the hospital and I remind Hubby that our Nieces husband invited us over for a family get together.  Normally, I would have passed, however in Oct. our 29 year old niece died and left behind a 6 year old, a 4 year old and a new husband and 4 month old.  It has been a very hard healing process for my bro & sis in-law.  They have also had to battle for visitation with the older 2 children as their father has made things difficult and things have been very messy.   I knew the older 2 were going to be there and we were only minutes away from their home, so I said, we should stop by just for a bit.   Food still not on my mind at all.  We walk in and steaks are on the counter, asparagus is in a pan (sound familiar mdlapband) chips and cheese dip on the counter, soda out.   I am still very cool about the entire thing because I am not hungry and I know we are not staying for dinner…..Wrongo!!  My “Mistletoe” (cue word for it is time to leave, from 4 Christmas’) is not working and family is not aware of my surgery.  Dinner is served and we sit down.  I take some steak, a tiny piece of zucchini, a finger ling potato and cut that in half.   I cut up very small pieces of steak to what looks like 3 oz to me and pass the rest to Hubby along with the rest of the potato.   Then I chew, chew, chew, chew…..

Today, I have experienced an unplanned food day!!!  I think I was pretty successful for “on the fly” today, though I really did not like being “on the fly”.  It was however, a great eye opener as far as, life keeps going, and there are going to be times when menus are not planned, portions have not been measured and “on the fly” is how it has to be….the question then becomes what choices we are going to make with those “on the fly days”.   I am working on my 6th week post-op, life is back to normal, I feel great and I continue to learn how to use my new friend…it was a “sink or swim sweetie” kind of day and at this point, I better know how to swim!!! 

No, I did not like being “on the fly” today, and as far as planning for this whole day went, NOTHING but the soccer game was planned.  But, I am happy that overall I had a pretty successful day.   I kept to the protein, I tried to log all of the sample, samples I had and I still stayed under 800 cal.  I do not recommend “sink or swim” or “on the fly” days by any stretch of the imagination, but the reality is they are going to pop up…planned or unplanned.  I am just glad I have learned enough, I was prepared enough, and apparently ready enough to deal with this “epic fail” of a day as far as planned menu goes.  So I swim on ladies, and tomorrow, is already planned!!! ;0)

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I have a visual!!

Good evening all... So today was a very busy day.. Details not needed just busy!!! I came home before having to take buddy boy to soccer practice( team is in the regional play offs and they winning... Wish they would lose!! Bad Mommy I know, but so over soccer). I go to my room to change, if I have to spend an hour at soccer might as well walk right!! As I walk into my bathroom, out of the corner of my eye I spy something I did not recognize... My OWN SMALLER BUTT!!! I have a Visual people...I can see shrinkage!!! Yay for shrinkage, it is so nice to not only feel it but SEE it too!!! I pray shrinkage visit all of you visually too!!! Woo hoo!!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


What a wake up call!!

After work I decided to check the bank account...( never a good idea)...I see that there is a few hundred dollars missing I am not aware off?? Find out Handsome Hubby paid a bill and forgot to tell me!! So now the other bills I paid thinking this money is there are going to have issues... I try to calm down, it will work out always does, but that is not helping!!! I am mad, frustrated and now cranky!! I already decide I was going to the gym today so as I am getting my gym clothes on, still whirling in my irritability I say to myself..."that is fine, who cares? I will just go to Starbucks after the gym and get a birthday cake pop, that will make me feel beter. The brand new one just opened in the same parking lot"... That same thought was followed by.. "I wonder how many calories that will cost me on my fitness pal? Maybe I will get 2"... Whoa, whoa, whoa!!! How does one have rhose 2 thoughts one right after the other???

Reality sets in!!! Thank God!!! "How terrible of an emotioal eater are you???" life in progress sweetie deal... Poop happens and a birthday cake pop or 2 is not going to change one thing but the fat around your butt!!! and bring back a 3 in the hundreds place!!!

So I am over myself, Hubby is depositing payroll check, all is well and I post this on my phone as I ride the stationary bike.... Wow!! what a personal, real and scary Eye opener!!! Emotional eater here for sure!!! P.S. I will NOT be going to Starbucks after my work out!!! No cake pops needed here, just and emotional eater who needs to chill!!

Working in progress...

I love my family...I hope I have made that very clear in earlier posts.  They are my inspiration and my insanity.  My family loves my cooking, ( I did too, look where it got me!!)  Learning how to cook healthier, leaner, and still keeping the "love" alive is still a work in progress....

Hubby will eat and try anything I make, always has.  He lets me know, yes that is a do again, or maybe a once in a while, or not terrible, but I think once is enough.  My kids are all different, #1 carnivore extreme, #2 carb extreme, #3 chicken nuggets, cheese, pasta plain, fruit and yougurt ONLY...So their opinions are taken with a grain of salt...but I have to cook for all of them and me and I refuse to be a short order chef, so they are learning to eat like mom...I must say for the most part, everything I have made thus far has been received very well, even by Mr. Picky (last night not included) last night feeling a little more confident, I experimented with meatballs...I made taco 3 pounds of beef I added 1/2 c cilantro, 1/4 c taco seasoning, 1/4 cup onions, 1/2 pace salsa, 2 eggs, 1 cup panko breadcrumbs, 1/4 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp cumin, pepper and rolled them into 1.7 ounce raw meatballs (when cooked they weighed 1.4 ounces)...They were very flavorful, and good.   In an effort to keep the calories down, I went and got wheat pita breads, cut up a little avacado and lettuce, with pepper jack cheese (sour cream and tomato for those who like them) and we made pita bread taco-meatball tacos...My husband loved them said they were a do over for sure, #1 loved them espeacially the added avacado (new for her  but glad to see she added it), #2 put meat and cheese in the pita only loved the pita did not like the circle of the meatball, she cut it all up as if it were ground beef.  #3 please!!!  But I loved it too.  2 meatballs is 3 oz of meat, added 1/4 of the pita(.2 oz) and then filled the remaining .8 oz with cheese and avacado...I stayed within the 4 oz had a huge amount of protein from the meatballs, I was so proud....Then I added up the calories from the meatball recipe with the added cheese and pita...Note to self!!!  skip the cheese and pita!!!  It ended up being like 463 calories...I exercised and was till under calories for the day, but I was disapointed that the cal count was so high....

Well I give myself an A for effort.  I will keep the meatballs they are 258 cal for a 3 oz serving and I just need to cut out some calories...maybe only 1/2 a cup of bread crumbs and 1 egg and only 1/4 salsa and 1/4 tomato sauce...I am not a fan of ground turkey though I am sure you could substitute it and take away lots of cal.  I will still need to play with it, or you all play with it and share your substitutions!! However, the protein count was 22 just for the meatballs alone, not including the cheese (7 grams) and the wheat pita had protein too 2.5 grams.   That was a total of 31.5 grams of protein and I was full!!  As I said, a work in, learning, and becoming learner right??!!  Happy Tuesday... P.S.  still learning how this blog things works, not confident enough to add pictures yet, but I will!!!

Monday, February 6, 2012

I will take it!!!

Hello All, as I promised I did not step on the scale until this morning....and guess what I saw!!!! A 2...A 2...A 2 is now in the Hundreds place not a 3!!  WOO HOO!!! 299.8 but I will take it!!!Good Bye 3, you have been hanging around way too long in that hundreds may visit me agian in the tens or ones place, but you are banned, and forbidden to ever show yourself in the hundreds place again!!!  Thank you Jesus I have made it to the 2's!!!

Ok so here is this weeks game plan with the scale, I will stay off until Friday...that is a really long time for me!!! I was going to say Wed, but I need to grow here!!  By Friday, I would like to see 297.5 or less.  Obviously I would love to see way less, but I have to be realistic here I am still not sure what this body of mine is doing??  Healing, burning, trying to find it's comfort zone in weights I have lingered in for far too many years???  I am still trying to work with this body of mine, not against it, but I feel some resistance still at times!!!  I will get balanced here soon I know it, and I am so excited my weight starts with a 2!!!  I woke poor Hubby up at 5:30 .am.( he doesn't get up till 6:30)..."guess what, guess what!!!"  he replied with a pillow muffled voice;"The scale says 2"..."Yes, Yes!!!" 

So short term goal...wait till Friday to get on the scale again!!  Med term goal...get out of the 290's, and keep up with working out!!!  Long term goal...30 pounds (more would be prefered) by my first fill on Feb 18th!!!  Here we go pound at a step at a time....Happy Monday!!!

Friday, February 3, 2012

"Frustration in Me"....I know, I know!!!

Hello All, this blog cracks me up….Before I started one, I had a million and one things to say, now that I have one, I feel like none of it is interesting enough…but thus has been my week, one big contradiction and it has been driving me crazy…and so I have frustration in me….when I taught elementary school, I read a book series about a Kindergardener who wasn’t quiet sure how to use the big words she knew, so once in a while they came out in an interesting  fashion, “Frustration in me” was one I understood, took hold of, and adopted as my own!!  Becasue I have "Frustration in Me"!!!

Now, I know you are not to supposed to weigh yourself everyday…(I see you all shaking your heads, and telling me to stop…I do), I also know the first 6 weeks is a healing time, weight loss at this stage is a bonus!! Well I want a BIGGER BONUS!!  Today starts week 5, starts being the key word.  I also know that this booty did not get as big as it is over night, and it is going to take time.  We don’t go in for surgery and wake up with a whole new body, with all of the weight gone, looking hot to trot, new wardrobe in the closet and happily living in ONEderland (though I prefer my story of waking up, then the reality…just saying).  Again, I say I know this, but there are times, when I look in the mirror expecting to see some new curve, or thinner thighs, or tighter waving arm flaps…NOPE…and to make things worse, with all of the inches (inches are just as important if not more then pounds, I know this too, but inches are not weighed on a scale pounds are) I have been losing, more so then pounds it would seem, and all of the exercising I have been doing has caused my once hard, solid fat body, to be a soft, jello-y slightly smaller fat body…Again I repeat…I know there is going to be some flab, jell-o, and squishiness until things get toned and firmed.  This takes time, I so realize this, honestly I do…my dilemma lies in the scale…I even bought a new one!!!  I know, pick a day and weigh once a week…but I am so close to getting rid of the 3 in the hundreds place with regard to my weight…let me just tell you how close….Tues…301.7…Wed  301.3…Thurs…300.2 (really, you cant just say 299.9)…Fri…301.0…What!!! What!!! What!!! (yes, I am raising my voice!!) How on earth did I gain??? Thus I have driven myself to “Frustration in me”…all my fault, I know. 

The inches are going great, I have 2 pairs of 20’s I can get in no muffin top, and room to move.   My 18/20 tops have come out to play, as many of my 22/24’s look like jammie tops…I am having no issues with clothes and have been able to say bye bye to many of my 24’s (size I began this in) hello to my 22’s, and some of my 20’s (let me add I am 5’10”, length is on my side)…Love that!! However, there is still a 3 in the hundreds place when I step on the scale…(Sigh…)

So, here I sit, trying to deal with “Frustration in Me”…knowing full well I caused the frustration, and trying to get over myself.   I know the hundreds place for my weight will soon show a 2 and these hang ups, hurdles, and haults are all part of the journey. There are going to be times, when my body has to catch up, do its thing, and cause “frustration in me”.   I was just really hoping that by the start of 5 weeks out I would have lost more pounds then I have at this point.   My goal at the 6 week mark is 30 pounds.  Well that is what I have said verbally….(internally I was looking for 40).  I have until the 18th, and I am only about 5.5-6 pounds away from 30, that is very attainable in 2 weeks.  One pound at a time right?   I am just trying to rush the process and get to the finish line before I have even really started (my band isn’t even turned on yet…first fill on the 18th).   Technically my one month bandaversary is the 6th . I just need to slow down my perspective, not rush through the journey, and try to learn all I can from the processes, in order to stay focused and successful.  I think what is really tripping up my brain is the 2 week pre-op diet.   I feel like I have been doing this 2 weeks longer then I really have and I need to let that go.  Pre-op is pre-op, healing time is healing time, and turned on time will happen in 2 weeks…So what have I learned from this “Frustration in me”…I need to chill!!!  I need to stay off the scale!!  I need to keep up my workouts…and I need to learn from, soak in, and enjoy the journey.   Okay, I pledge to stay off the scale until Monday morning!!!  This is going to kill me!!!… Funny enough, I have had a bag of M&M’s on the counter for 3 days, (students had a fundraiser, I was a supportive teacher) not tempted to open them a single time, forgot I had them in my bag for 2 days didn’t kill me at all to look at them once and staying off the scale is going to kill me!!!  Who am I???