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Saturday, August 4, 2012

Soul Searching....Still coming up Stuck!!

So it has been almost 3 months and the scale has not really moved... Ounces here up and down, but as far as pounds go.....NOTHING!!!  It does get frustrating I will be honest.  I have thought, if I am doing what I need to be doing, if I am working out, if I am following the Dr. directions, why???? do I seem to be at a stand still???  Yes, the inches are coming off, yes, the clothes are fitting better.  Yes, I see a difference in how I look....I am happy for all of that.  I have talked with the Dr. and he is happy with my progress.  I see him again on Monday.  For the most part, most of the time, I am happy with my progress as well.  But then there are days when life gets in the way, one bump turns into two, two turns into three, they keep coming and then to top it all of the scale has not gone down in almost 3 mos.  

There is frustration at times.....there is a little bit of failure at times....Why did I have this done if things don't seem to be moving as quickly as I expected????  Aug 6th will be my 7 month bandaversary and I am still only at 45...No small feet I know, and I am getting in great shape, I know, and muscle weights more then fat, I know, and as long as I keep doing what I am doing, it is soon going to melt away, I know.....but there are nights like tonight, when I am just feeling a little more emotional about EVERYTHING the seems to be compounding and compounding and weighing me down and then I think about the scale and it is like the little butterfly who lands on top of the great giant tower of cards and knocks it all down!!!

My brain is in so many places in so many different areas of my life right now and I just can't seem to concentrate on anything...  I am angry, frustrated, sad, scared, infuriated, content, ok, muddeling through everything in pieces all at the same time and I am just exhausted.....

In all honesty, this has been the crappiest summer in a very long time....and yet my weight, my work outs, my mind set on that subject has been very positive this whole time.   That in and of itself is a huge NSV for me.   I have not broke down, thrown out my scale, yelled and screamed, blamed this or that....I know I am doing what I need to be doing, and I know I am fighting against a body that is completly content in the 280's.....It has know the 280's for most of my adult life so of course it is happy here....I also know that eventually, the stuck, will get unstuck and things will flow...That I have not allowed this to consume me and rule over me is fabulous and I am happy with that....but as a mom, I have been really stretched this summer and it is breaking me.

I also realize that my stress, worry, concern, late night discussions on the matter, anxiety, and overall unhealthy feelings about the situation are playing tricks on my weight loss as well.  It is this inability to find peace with this, to find peace with dealing and handeling the situation as a parent that is keeping me up, driving me to insanity and causing me such grief.   I know teenagers are going to be teenagers and in the grand scheme of things, No. 1 is not doing drugs, not drinking, not going out and partying, not sleeping around, not haveing sex (yet!!!) and I should count my blessings.   But I can't release the YET!!!  I can't find peace in the it is most likely going to happen, soon.... I can't stop hoping, praying and believing that this child of mine will realize her worth and get rid of this self rightous BF she has instead of continually given so much away of herself to him.  I see the manipulation, I see deciet, I see the suddelties of his words and actions and I just want to SCREAM...."wake up kid, don't see this sleeze for what he really is???"  and no....I resist, she runs to him.   I yell at her, she runs to him. I punish her she runs to him. I try to be honest with her, she runs to him.  I tell her I don't like him, he is not good for her, she runs to him.  I tell her I will try and be nice, she runs to him... I am damned if I do and damned if I don't and though she may think she is ready to give herself away to this #@$!@^@$@&@%#&@%@& (bad words) I am not ready to let her....I am not ok with her making a mistake like this, I am not ok with watching her do something she is going to regret for the rest of her life, and it keeps me up all night....It keeps me in this crazed cycle of stress, anxiety, and wretchedness. I am stuck in more ways then one!!!

I also know I can't control her.  I know she is 17 and she is going to make her own choices.  I know she is going to fail.  We all do that is how we learn.  But I can't let myself sit back and watch her fail with her body, with herself, with her virginity.   It may not be precious to her, but it is precious to me.   But I can't do anything about it because it is not my virginity.  It is hers and I am struggeling.   I know she is worth more then him.   I know she is worth more then 17.  I know she is worth so much more.   That she doesn't seem to know this, after all of our truth and honesty and encouragment about the subject is killing me.   And all I can do is watch.   I don't want to.....and I can't find a happy place.....Yes, of course I could make her break up with him, but what will that do??? Make her resist us more, and cause her to run to him.   I just can't find peace, I am struggeling, I am drowing and I have no control in the matter and it is driving me out of my mind.   I limit her contact with him but I am only delaying it.   I know this.  I am ok with that for now.   I can pray he go away, that they break up, but what will that do??? just give me peace till the next one comes around.   If she has decided she is going to have sex, she is going to, and I can't stop that......I just wish I could.....and I have not been able to let go of the "wish I could"....I know I can't.....but I am not ok with that.....and there is nothing I can do about that either....because she is in control of this situation.   It is her body, her decision, her road to travel and in no way shape or form is it the road, direction or way I have ever invisioned for her.   I know I am just fighting myself here....I can let go of my desire for her, my road for her to go down and try and find peace with the direction she seems to be traveling down....but I feel like I am giveing up on her and so then I fight harder for what I know/think is best for her....then I fight over am I being controlling, am I not letting her grow up??? But how can I stand by and watch her crash and burn????

Obviously I am just repeating my self and my struggle, and my internal fight and my disapointment and my inability to find peace.....This has been going on and on in circles and circles in my head 24/7 for the past 6weeks.....I am exhauseted, mentally, I am spent, and I am getting no where.....I am stuck!!!  The answer is to love her no matter what...To be there for her when she has crashed and burned...To continue to encourage her and let her know she is worth so very very much...to be thankful she does not do drugs, smoke, drink, party or sleep around....so how do I find peace with the internal fight I am having for her????  She doesn't want me to fight for her....so why am I still fighting???  I am only fighting myself and I am getting no where and I only causing grief for myself....and so I fight, I relent, I try, I don't try, I swim in this vicious circle that I can't find peace in, that I don't know how to get out of, and I continue to be stuck.....stuck in this fight, the 280's, this body that is resisting, this slump.....stuck

7 comments:

  1. I have no parenting words of wisdom but anytime you want to vent, we will listen. Obviously we do not know this boy or no 1 but we know you and virtually all of us can undoubtedly relate on some level or other.
    Keep working at the weight loss. It will come if the inches are going. Try changing some of the things you eat regularly, times you eat or swapping main meals times with those that are usually lighter. Sometimes the scales just need something to kick them back into gear. xx

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  2. Thank you Sarah, you are so sweet!!! I appreciate you letting me vent..;)

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  3. oh, my friend, i felt every single word you wrote! i have 2 daughters (albeit only 4 and 6yrs old) but your words are my biggest fears. i'm scared they will make horrible decisions about men and their teen angst won't allow them hear the advice their worried parents are trying to give them.

    i wish i knew what to say but i have no clue how to help. just know that you can always vent, ramble, scream on the net with us! we're here for ya, girl! sending you lots and lots of virtual hugs!!!!

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  4. as a teacher of kids with emotional disabilities (a lot of impulsiveness), this is what I told one of my students that was into violence and probably into drugs (already). "I respect that you're a human being just like me. Although you might not listen to what I have to say, in my heart I know that I've provided you with safe choices. In the end, your decision, your victories, your consequences, are yours as well. I know that whatever decision you make will be one that you've really thought about and considered the options. I wish you the best." Sometimes the hardest things to do is sit back, but in the end, she'll be a stronger woman because you didn't prohibit her from anything, rather, you gave her the support to make her decisions. That's being a great mom :) Have you ever heard of the parenting series, "Love and Logic?" I really like it a lot, there's even a book for parenting teens. Check and see if your local library has it!
    http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Teens-Updated-Expanded-Edition/dp/1576839303/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1344108930&sr=8-1&keywords=love+logic+teens

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  5. Yikes, the parenting thing, I can imagine how much stress you are under right now. It is so difficult to watch our children make decisions that will affect their lives. It's so hard to not be able to control their actions so that their path will be easier. I think knowing that she has a mom who is there for her and who will hold her when her world comes crashing down is one of those things you can give her. I'm not looking forward to my own children being this age and making these decisions...It is good that you are venting!

    The weight loss, or lack of, it is so frustrating! I hope that the Dr has something to help jump start your metabolism to get you going again. You are not alone...

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  6. My girls are still little and I am not looking forward to the day I have to deal with this but there comes a time in every parents' life (these are my mother's words) where you have to just know you did all you could do and the best you could do and let them go. In the case of her losing her virginity...at 17... (which actually isn't that young these days) to a total douche canoe...unfortunately, as you said...it's her body and her decision. You have the wisdom that comes with experience and you can see what's coming a mile away but as you said, she has to make her own decisions no matter how much it kills her. Try to find peace and let it go. You don't have to invite him over to Sunday dinner but the more you fight her, the worst it's going to be. Just be there to pick up the pieces when she realizes you were right. ((HUGS))

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  7. We miss you! By the way, I nominated you for a Leibster blogging award. Hope you have fun with it, :)
    http://cruisinwiththelapband.blogspot.com/2012/11/blogging-award-and-weigh-in-day.html

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