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Saturday, April 6, 2013

The UGLY, HONEST TRUTH....

Hello Blog Buddies,
It has been quite a while since I have posted and there is no other reason for my absence other then the truth....I abused my band, I fell off the band wagon, and I have not only not seen my Dr. in like 9 mos.  I have gained 20 pounds over the past few months, my clothes though they fit, are tight and don't feel as comfortable or look nice as they once did, I have stopped working out, I have failed my band....With all of that said, once I started slacking, it was just easier and easier to keep slacking and the thought of posting a blog made me feel ashamed, sad, and so much like a failure.   How could I read about all of your great band stories while I struggled with mine?  How could I post all was going well when I knew damn well, I was maintaining not losing and losing was the name of the game.   How could I get closer and closer to my 1 year goal and be so very close to 300 again when I was nearly 20 pounds away from 300 a year ago?  Did I want to be that honest with all of you?  No, I did not.  Not only would that mean that I have failed, even with this band, but that admitting it would make it more real then it already was.  So what changed?  I got on the scale 2 months ago and the scale said 297!!!  What the hell?  How did that happen....a few weeks later, it said 303!!!  I took my daughter to her college visit, she graduates in a few weeks and want to go to Humboldt State, HSU stands for HILLS and STAIRS...I couldn't make it up the last hill.   I was so out of breath, my husband said, just wait her, catch your breath and I will go with her to the next meeting she has.....What!!!  You seriously want to leave me here to catch my breath and miss out on a meeting with one of her future professors!!!  Kristin, how did you let this happen that you can't even climb hills and walk up stairs without losing your breat so badly you clearly can't go any further??  How could you let the very thing that helped you to go through with the surgery, "be there for your kids", miss out on this very important meeting because of HILLS AND STAIRS!!!!  I was infuriated with myself.  I was depressed.  I was mad at the one constant supporter in my life my Hubby of suggesting I rest and he go without me!!!  That was a week ago.  All week, I have been telling myself you can do this, you can get back on the band wagon and you can do this.  You have only gained 20 pounds, that is nothing in the grand scheme of things....I got on the scale last night, (I know it was night, I had drank over a liter of water, eaten all day, not the best time to weigh yourself) 307!!!  No mind you, I weighed myself this a.m and it is back to 303, but it is over 300....It is 20 pounds in the wrong direction and it is time to be accountable again.   I wish I knew people in my area who I could talk with and be accountable with, but I cheated, I had my surgery through a 1800 get thin and it was not near my house.  It is time for me to admit, I need my blog buddies.  I need to be accountable, I need to be honest, I need to face the facts....My size 20 butt should really be in a size 22 and that my 24's are so lose and comfy I find too much comfort in them......I need to get my head out of my butt and get my butt in gear.....So there is the ugly, honest truth....I have abused my band and I have paid for it and I have to get back in the game...

5 comments:

  1. Join the club, Sweetie - you're not alone. I had a fill this week - the first one in a year - and I had gained back 20 lbs too. I know its my fault and I'm ready to get back on the program and do what I'm supposed to do.

    Just don't be too hard on yourself. The past is past and we just have to do the best we can today.

    I'm glad you're back!

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  2. P.S. I was banded on 12/30/11 - so we're at about the same place on this journey.

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  3. Pick yourself up, dust off you exercise clothes/shoes and get back on the track! You know what you need to do in the band/food department too, make an appointment! You can do this!

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  4. You're not alone my sweet friend :) keep your chin up!

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