Well having been back in blog land full swing again, I have come to realize a few things.
1. Blogging really is theraputic, no doubt in my mind. Being able to write out what I am feeling or experiencing and reading all about you all and your hurts, habits and hang-ups does bring clarity, comfort and direction.
2. I have also learned that sometimes we (I) am not ready to deal with that clarity just yet and so I hibernate...not pig out!!! Hibernate!!! And in that hibernation I have learned that NOTHING changes, except the amount of time you have wasted hibernating!!!
3. I have learned to forgive myself. It is a lot easier to forgive myself for eating a cupcake then it is for eating half an apple pie that is for sure, but this band will not allow me to eat half an apple pie so learning how to forgive myself one baby Step (cupcake) at a time has been very freeing.
4. I have learned to be a little bit more patient. Mind you I am not by any means claiming I have mastered patience!!! No no no no no!!! But, I have learned that just because I set a goal, if I don't quite reach said goal, that doesn't mean I torture myself and give up, it just means I need more time...the time I wasted hibernating!!
5. I have come to embrace the very FACT that there is no end to this lapband journey!! No end people!!! When I first got banded I was gun hoe about losing as much weight as I could as fast as I could so I could just ride the skinny wave for the rest of my life!!!
I have been waiting in the skinny wave line and I know with out a doubt, the skinny wave does not exist!! I am ok with that. I am not going to reach my 60 pound goal by July 6th, my 6 month bandiversary, I am not going to wake up tomorrow and be 10 pounds lighter..(well maybe 5, TOM will go away and so will the excess water), and Iam ok with that too.
However, I am going to keep counting my protein. I am going to keep working out as much as I love to hate it. I am going to keep walking and traveling on this journey because it is the journey that will get me to all of the places that dreamy skinny wave is supposed to take me. It is a journey... Not a trip, not a weekend get away, not a short term goal....a journey....and each part of the journey leads to another part of the journey, that leads to another...there are parts of this journey that let me tell ya, SUCK GIANT FUNGIS INFECTED BIG TOES!!!! But there are other parts that lead you to serenity and peace and calm, and the knowledge that I will get to a certain portion of the journey (goal weight), eventually, and that will lead to a new direction of the journey.
I by no means am a master on patience...I am the most impatient person I know, but I am not going to fight this, " hurry up lets get there already", monster inside of me that is frustrating the hell out of me with this stagnant plateau either....I will get over it, I will get out of the 280's and I will lose 60 pounds and beyond. Eventually. Maybe not by July 6th. But some time in the not so distant future, I will get there.
None of this takes away the "hurry up already", or the constant looking for that skinny wave, but it does remind me that most of this journey needs to be taken slowly so I don't forget. So I am prepared for those GIANT FUNGIS INFECTED BIG TOES and so when the next part of this journey does arrive, I know what road to take.
SPOILER ALERT!!!! There is no end!!! But, do I really want something that will keep me healthy, happy and looking fabulous to end???? Eventually the skinny wave will crash against the shore line, linger for a moment and then roll back to sea, or sink in the sand. I don't want to crash or sink...I want to carry on, even if that means I have to go further then I expected, planned or thought I would have to! Skinny waves are enticing, no doubt...but for now, I will walk my way through this journey and save the gliding on waves for a different one. Xoxo Kristin