Today I had a reverse half day. I didn't have to go to work until noon due to a meeting I needed to attend.
So this morning, instead of work, I went for my walk. It was such a fresh and cool morning. I must take in all I can before summer, I am not walking outside in 115' degrees. As I was walking I got to thinking about this journey and how most of the people who know are complete strangers to me...All of you!!! I have not told many people in my family for various reasons, but mostly because I have a crazy, phyco, family when it comes to the issue of weight and diet. I cannot express the very damaged self image I have had to learn to heal and the extreme mind set that has been instilled by my family. I realize now it all started out of love, Mom and Dad had weight issues, they didn't want my sister or I to have to travel down the same road, but along the way disfuntion of it all set in, and as a kid you don't see the "out of love" when all you hear is "your getting fat", "you need to lose some weight", "you really need to watch what you are eating", " wow, your belly is getting a bit poochie, isn't it?" Not the average comments one would hear but it is what I heard. Don't get me wrong, my parents where, are, loving people and I had a great childhood as long as we were not talking about weight. Weight issues, matters, diet...those conversations went into rhelms of the outer limits. My poor Hubby, had he realized the crazy damage I harbored with this issue, I think he would have ran in the other direction. Needless to say he has made it very clear to my parents that weight and diet issues would not be a topic of conversation they would ever have in front of our children. Hubby has even stopped my mom mid sentence, "Don't go there, you have screwed up your daughters with that kind of talk, my kids will hear none of it". I love my Hubby!!
As our children have grown, I have been on endless, countless diets, but my diets have been MY diets, I don't make them a family topic, because I never wanted my kids to think they needed a diet. I wanted them to know they were beautiful no matter what and really my kids are too young to be on diets, or to even be thinking on those levels. My 16 year old is the size of a pencil always has been. My middle daughter is my mini-me in every sense of the word. I have known this from the time I saw her sonogram at 6 mos pergnant. Her profile picture was so clear, I knew she looked just like me and she does. Acts like me, has the same body shape as me, same bone structure as me, loves the same hobbies, she is me minus the heighth. We are still waiting for her to grow!!! She is 12.5, average weight perportion to her body, and does not need to go on or worry about diets. My son is my Hubby's clone, and he just wants to play. So my diets have always been there, just not a topic of discussion. When I decided on Lapband I told 4 people. Hubby, sister, mom, BF (Dad and mom are divorced, did not and have not told him). I didn't even tell my mom until I started my pre-op diet. It was about that time I knew I needed to tell my daughter. Daughter 1 found out earlier, she is noisy!! Daughter 2 I knew I had to approach very carefully, she is me after all!!
Two days before I started my pre-op ( Dec 20th), I was reading and journaling under the Christmas tree. Only me and child 2 and 3 were home, and buddy boy was asleep. No. 2 came in and sat down with me and I knew I needed to let her know. I told her that I was going to have surgery. She asked what kind and I told her lapband surgery, it was going to be in a couple weeks. She just started crying and kept saying, "No mommy, you don't need it, you look beautiful just the way you are, No!" Now as a mom I had 3 things pop in my head. First, please stop crying because that is making me cry!! Second, Thank you Jesus my kids don't have the crazy, phyco mind set about weight. Lastly, I am so proud to be married to a Hubby who loves me for me and not only shows it, says it, and acts on it, but has displayed it so well as an example to our kids that this beautiful girl of mine, would tell her 325 pound mother that I don't need it and I am beautiful just the way I am!!! Wow!!
This brought me back to I have still not told very many people. By the day of surgery I think 10-12 people knew, most of them because I wanted the added pray that all would go well. Only one other family member, my cousin. I still have not told many and I don't know if that is good, bad, indifferent or just how it is for now. All part of the journey right!!! I guess as it comes out it will. Obviously there will come a point when I will let other fmaily members in on the know...but at this point this journey is a healing process in all aspects and on every level and mainly just for me...only to be shared with for now, mostly people who understand and can relate...All of you!!!
NSV's....#1 Wore a black pair of pants to church that I have not worn in about 4 years...size 22 (have been in 24 but painted on 24's, couldn't buy a 26 just couldn't) with butt and theigh room and no muffin top!!
#2 I have gone on numersous walks without my shoe in-souls and my feet and heel have not bothered me once. No pain, no tingles, no tenderness, soarness or limps!!