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Thursday, February 23, 2012

Pictures.....The Ugly REAL Truth

Hope you are all having a nice Thursday.   So far so good here and only one class left for the day 4th period, (we have a block schedule 1, 2, lunch, prep, 4) so I am at lunch and prep until 4th period then I am out!!! 

So last night I got to thinking about before and after pictures.   I did not take any!! On purpose!!  I know some of you are gasping!!  It is ok, I don't want to remember what I looked like!  I know... it is embedded in my head and I can't get rid of it.... well that is what I tell everyone!!  But it is honest time on this journey and so I need to be honest with myself!!!  I don't have any because I don't want to see what I look like, I don't want to see the reality of what I have done, how I have let myself go and what has happened to my body.  I looked at these pictures last night, knowing I was going to post some and just wanted to cry.   I can't dwell on it long, or look at them long, because I just want to cry.  The reality is an ugly truth and I don't like the ugly mirror, I would rather live in my happy place....where I really am not THAT big, overwieght yes, but not THAT big...

I will admit as well I am terrible with pictures.  First off, I am usually the one behind the camera.  You know, if I take the picture, I don't have to be in the picture.  Plus with digital camera's these days, if  I don't like the picture, or the picture makes me look too fat (well a more honest statement would be, fatter then I want to be admit to myself) I would delete it!!  In the trash the nasty picture went never to be seen again.   As I went through our pictures last night another reality hit me....sadly, I have deleted just about every picture of me you could think of.   If I didn't delete it, I made my husband stand in front of me, or had some other object in front of me to hide part of my body (not that much was hidden, but it made me feel better).   I am also the queen of cropping.   I will crop the picture up so all you can see is my upper body and face, or shoulders and face....but if the chin was looking too doubled or trippled , then I deleted it.   So I am ready to take another healing step on this journey, admit that my kids have very few pictures of me, I have participated in their lives but if you were to look at pictures of our adventures, I am absent!!  How sad.  I have deleted myself out of family memories, mile stones and moments.   Not anymore people!    And though I don't have an specific "before" picture I do have "before" pictures....This is very hard to post these.   Not that I am a vain person, but it is just a visual turth I have known, but "thought" I was hiding.   They are like my big dirty secret (in my head only) for all to see....So here you go friends....

 Thanksgiving 2 years ago with Hubby..a rare non-blocked photo

Chistmas 10' famiy photo...the one that went out was cropped up to just over the girls knees.  No big booty for everyone to see!!!

Number 1's Homecoming last fall...Hubby is hiding my other thigh!! Well at least it looks like he is, he wasn't I just cropped it out!!!

Philly Oct 8, 2011...One week before my LapBand consultation...My friend was told waist up only!!

Excuse the expression!!! This was my 4th day of pre-op diet, also Christmas morning, very early thus the I am tierd please leave me alone look...did not know anyone took this, and I did not delete this because I knew I was on my pre-op diet...

Got a new haricut on Jan 30, 2012...down about 22-23 pounds in this picture...

No 1's Winter Formal Dance a couple of weeks ago...down about 28 pounds here...

Well I have done it....I not only posted "real visuals" of my morbidly obese body, I also posted pictures to my bolg!!!  Yay to both, I have to be honest and I have to to you all!!


  1. I was like you. Almost no pics preband. Fortunately, a couple my friends had some they sent to me after I was about a year post op. now I am so glad I have them bc I can see how far I have come. I, too, thought that I wanted to vaporize my preband existence from the planet but now I want to remember it and keep it present in my mind. It fuels me and reminds me how far I have come and that I never want to/will go back to that life.

  2. BTW, I can totally see a difference in your face!

  3. you are just beautiful, girlfriend! I can see such a difference in your face!!

  4. ps add me as a friend on myfitnesspal! dsanborn33

  5. You have to feel proud though to be able to see such a difference in your face after even 22 lbs gone! You're a beautiful woman and we won't think any differently of you.

  6. Your all so sweet!!! Made me cry happy tears...having all of you blog buddies is the best support ever!!!xoxo

  7. I love the hair cut and your face does look thinner...I won't give you grief...took me FOREVER to put up a pic and my nutrionist had to take it

  8. real pics are always hard to post. kudos to you for bravery. and you know what? we all need to look back and where we were and where we're going. your hair looks so cute!!

  9. You have a BEAUTIFUL family first off and a hottie husband! BE PROUD of doing this for YOU!!!! You absolutely look different already in your face wow!!! Younger and thinner!! be proud! I know exactly how you feel. I do have photos but I am the queen of cropping and delete button.

  10. Thank you for being honest and putting this out there! I can totally relate, I don't have many pictures at my heaviest weight because I always hid from the camera!

    You will be glad that you have these to look back and compare and to help motivate you to not look like that again.

    You have already lost a lot of weight and are looking so good! You are beautiful!